For my mother (part one)

Sometimes the best thing in the world is to be alone.
You really get to know this person, that tends to get very annoying at times.
After the past year, i kind of lost truck of who i really am or what i am supposed to be.
I’ve been doing this, I’ve been doing that… But i never tried to see what my heart was saying to me.
Everything came to an end after my mother, or should i say my idol, my protector, my best friend made the effort to talk openly to me about her fears and expectations.
”I want to help you” she said ”but i don’t know how” *
Wait what was she trying to say here?
* ”I know you’re going through a hard time, I know that you’ve put your self in a weird place and you don’t want to come out of it anymore”
She was totally right. I’ve wasted so much time, money and ambition on t h i n g s!
I stood there and tried to deny all she said to me. I was lying. I had been lying to her, to me and to this little girl that once wanted to become something…
I had no plan, I was constantly improvising, my school report was falling apart and I did nothing against it.
After putting myself in thought, I knew what i had to do…
I immediately stopped being this disrespectful  creature i used to be and tried to understand what this whole thing, my hole existence is about.
At first I couldn’t stand the fact that i was alone. Everyone around me kept on doing all they used to do and me?
I turned into a pearl closed in its own cell trying to figure out it’s way out. **
I suppose this doesn’t really describe what i am trying to say here, but our lives are full of metaphors and secret messages sometimes. We should really start getting used to it.
** I lost contact with all of my ”friends”, yes these people must have loved me so much that they didn’t even try to catch up with me and see if i’m doing alright.
I lost all of my used-to-have desire to go out. I had nothing to say to all of these people around me, I needed to be ALONE.
And that’s what happened anyways.I spend my time crying. Trying to understand if my decision was right.
You know my biggest fear has always been, wasting my time… and all this, felt like it.
”I am supposed to go out, make memories, meet people, live my life without limits, what am i doing here?”.


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